julialainephotography

The road less traveled

A few of weeks ago I had to go to an EEOC Mediation with our corporate attorney, V.  She's a very attractive woman in her late 40's.  She's never been married, and has devoted her life to her career and being involved in philanthropic activities throughout our city and state.  She's chairperson on the state illiteracy council, she runs our annual United Way campaigns, she's slim and in shape, wears beautiful clothes, and drives a cute black convertible Mercedes.   Overall she's just a really neat person; I always enjoy spending time with her.

If you've ever been to a mediation, you know that they are nothing more than a negotiation to see how much money the plaintiff can get and how little money the defendant has to pay out.  There is no semblance of seeking who was right and who was wrong - it's just all about the money, and the plaintiff always hopes the company will pay out big bucks just to get rid of the case.  Soon into our mediation it was clear to see the two parties were not even close.  This gave us lots and lots of time to chat in between the negotiations, so I got to know V a little better during that time.  She already knew I had two daughters that were born in China, but she didn't realize until this time that I was a single mom.  I guess that's what spurred her on to confide in me that she had always wanted to adopt if she didn't get married.  She went on to say how much she loves children and had always dreamed of being a mother and knows that her family would have given their full support if she had decided to proceed with those plans.  Listening to her, she sounded so much like how I felt 11 years ago when I began the adoption paperchase.  Eventually I asked her why she never went forward with it, and she said it was just pure fear.  Fear that she would not be able to do it alone, fear that she was too selfish, fear that she would not be as good a parent as she wanted to be.  It was easy to see the pain in her eyes now from what those fears had cost her.  This woman I had looked up to for years because of her professional accomplishments was actually the person who was now envying me and my life, and I looked at her knowing she is what I would have become if I hadn't become a mother first.

Eleven years ago I had the same fears, but being a somewhat headstrong 30-something, it never occurred to me to let those fears hold me back from motherhood, and thank God for that!  Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my oldest daughters referral day.  Unlike the 3 to 5 year wait that people are facing now, I had a relatively short 8 month wait.  My dossier arrived in China on August 12, 1997, L was born two days later, and I received her referral on tax day, April 15, 1998. 

This was the one and only photo I was given of my daughter.  It was about half the size of a photo you would put in your wallet, but it didn't really matter, it was enough to know that she was mine, and that I was finally a mother.  It sounds so cliche' but I just can't imagine my life without my girls.  Our VP of Finance constantly tells me how much he admires me (which drives me nuts by the way) for becoming a single parent by choice.  It's really not that hard you know.  Sure there are tough times, but I'm just a mom, and they're just my kids, regardless of how we entered each others lives.  My life is full of school activities, and soccer games, and making good decisions and bad decisions, and hoping the prior outweigh the latter.  I don't drive a mercedes, I drive a family sedan.  I don't wear expensive, beautiful suits, I wear whatever I can get away with so I can still be comfortable at the game that I need to go straight to after work tonight.   The dog jumps up on my pants after spending time romping in the wet dewy grass, and I look at the fresh wet paw print on my khaki slacks and think... it's not too bad, maybe no one will notice.  My life is full and many times chaotic and there are more moments than I can count that I just want 20 minutes to myself without someone asking me if _______________ (fill in the blank), but it's the life I chose, and thanks to two very special little girls, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Happy Referral Day baby girl!

Movie Review

We haven't rented movies in ages, but for some reason Bee Story and Hannah Montana 3D were just not stimulating the mind.  So we hit Block*uster on Friday night and racked up.  I got caught up on a lot of movies I hadn't seen yet, among them Oceans 13, Rendition and Michael Clayton.  All good, all I would recommend.

But of course we had to get a family movie too, so we rented Martian Child.  WOW!  I would highly recommend this, what a great, inspiring story and very well acted.  Of course being an adoptive family, after it was over it brought up a lot of questions from the young'uns about their birth parents, why did they leave, did they do anything wrong, etc.  All great questions, and issues I want to encourage but don't always know how to bring up.

If you are an adoptive parent to a 5+ year old, I would recommend this for family movie night.  A little on the serious side - but like I said - all good.

6 years

Referral Day: December 20, 2001

She was approximately 7 months old when this photo was taken

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that my youngest daughters Gotcha Day anniversary was coming up, and yesterday was it.  We had a fun day - the girls talked about their gotcha days, and they both wanted to watch their video's. M continues to have "fun" with me, and proclaims (quite correctly) that she did not like me AT ALL in China.  Yes, a truer statement was never made.  She decided my 14 year old niece who traveled with me was okay, but I was just the devil incarnated.  I remember the day we traveled from Hunan to Guangzhou, she would have nothing to do with me.  If I touched her she screamed, if I looked at her she screamed.  So, basically my teenage niece had to become mama for the day and was almost completely responsible for the screaming meme.  Yep... that was fun.  While in Guangzhou, I called my parents at home sobbing that I had not bonded with this child.  Of course how can you bond with a child who doesn't want you to even look at her, much less touch her.  Plus I had a 4 year old at home who adored me and that I missed so much I felt it was hard to breathe at times.  After almost two weeks of dealing with my longing for home, and the thought that I'd made the worst mistake in my life I was pretty much a walking basket case, just seconds from tears at any given time.  One day I was walking along the tourist shops in Guangzhou, with M in the stroller and I was stopped by a friend I had chatted with online for the past 18 months but had never met in person.  She went on about how wonderful their experience had been and how cute M was and asked me how it was going.  Her husband looked on in horror as I just burst out crying.  Unable to compose myself at all, I just turned around and made a bee-line back to the hotel.  Post adoption depression, or PAD, had it's claws in me big time and it would take years to finally recover fully from the effects of it.

On the flight home, M refused to sleep on me or my niece, and while we had a bulkhead seat, all the bassinets were taken, so there was no place else for her to lay down but on the floor.  So I made a pallet for her and she blessedly slept most of the 12 hour flight back to LAX.  A couple of times the attendants would ask me to move her, but when I did she screamed, so after that, they pretty much left us alone.

While in China she had taken 4 to 6 steps by herself, but once we got home, she completely regressed and refused to even stand up.  She also started refusing to eat, which caused me no small amount of stress.   Her 4 year old sister was the one that had to feed her because the only thing she'd take from me was a bottle.  I remember easily that first morning home.  We were sitting on the floor of our living room and L and I gave each other a look that clearly communicated "now what do we do with her?"

Don't worry - the story gets better.

A couple of weeks after arriving home my parents invited us over for dinner with one of my travel-mates, a very good friend who had also adopted her second daughter (it's the same family we went to Disney World with last year).  M was sick, she was still not eating much, but had a horrible cold and was running a fever.  I dressed her up so cute, but she was very hot, and I ended up striping her down to just her diapers.  She wouldn't sit in the high chair, so sat on my lap during dinner.  I turned her toward me and she laid her head on my shoulder.  She. Laid. Her. Head. On. My. Shoulder!  Sure, it was because she was sick and tired and could barely hold her head up, but she didn't want anyone else's shoulder.  Progress was starting and I would take it in any small piece she was willing to throw me .

A month later, and it was a really nice spring day in April.  I was out in my yard talking to some neighbors who were cooing at M who was resting comfortably on my hip talking gibberish.  The child couldn't (or wouldn't) say a word, but she loved to hear her voice!  This is a fact that is still very true today.  M wasn't real fond of the grass so setting her down was not an option outside, and at 20 months old, she was taking a few steps on her own, but still not walking more than a few feet.  Well, my next door neighbor reached out her arms to take M from me and for the first time, M reared back thumped the palm of her hand on my chest and declared "MA!"  Of course we'd been working on that word in the 7 weeks I'd had her, but she chose that moment to say it loud and proud, and I know that this was the day I finally started feeling like her mama.

So gotcha day was in a hotel lobby on a cold, cloudy day in Changsha, Hunan on February 19, 2002, but it was a lovely spring day in April that I finally started feeling like her mom.

This photo was taken during her first beach vacation, 4 months after coming home.  I emailed a copy of this to my adoption group who had lived and breathed our experiences over the past months.  A few weeks later a framed copy of this arrived in my mailbox, and it still sits on our fireplace mantel today.  We still had a long way to go - but we had already come so so far!

The first meeting

I told you I was going through old photos, but these seemed pretty timely.  In only 3 weeks from now, we will celebrate little bit's 6 year anniversary of her arrival home.

At first she's not so sure about this other person who wanted to "pet" her and gave her a look that clearly conveyed "BACK OFF SISTA!"

And then later .that same day, she figured out that the girl in the same dress had a purpose and decided she'd keep her.

It's hard to tell how truly tiny she was in this picture because her face looks so chubby, but the next day we went to the doctor and she weighed in at a whopping 16lbs 13oz.  I was told she was 18 months old, but we're pretty sure she was more like 15-16 months.

Beyond Horses...

These were taken at the same place the horse photos were below. I had a photo shoot a couple of months ago here for the first time, but this time I wanted to bring my own girls... and a very pretty friend.

Giddy!

That's the word I would use to describe how this family feels about their daughter and grand-daughter!  Of course they love her, but they're just plain giddy about it and I love that!!

A couple of months ago I discovered the Celebrating Adoption website, where photographers provide some reduced fees to families who have adopted in the past year.  Anyone out there who has been through an adoption knows that they are NOT an inexpensive endeavor.  I love the thought of providing photos from that special first year together for families who might not have otherwise been able to get those at this time.

This family was the first to contact me after my information was put up on the Celebrating Adoption website.  And why did we wait till 3 days before Christmas to do it?  Because today marks the one year anniversary of their beautiful daughter coming HOME!  What a way to celebrate Christmas!

Giddy - see what I mean...